Tales Of Woe (and other negative emotions)
by Hearts' Abyss
Summary: "What is this 'fanfiction' that we keep seeing on the internet... and what's with all these heinous lies about us?.!" the Durarara cast shrieked, with various emotions playing across their faces. Clearly, a certain group of people aren't impressed with writers' wild imaginations... [Written from the POV of various DRRR characters; DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE]
1. Orihara Izaya I

_**A/N: **For those of you who might be wondering "Hey, doesn't this seem familiar and all...?", you're probably right in regarding this fanfic with suspicion, for this is a rehash of an old (and incomplete) fic that I posted on an older account of mine. Thanks to a certain amount of guilt and regret at not reaching my target amount of chapters with the original story, I've given the old letters a fair bit of heavy editing (to reflect my altered perception of characters and the [hopefully positive] changes in my writing skills) and shoved them onto here again. Feel free to request if you'd like to see a particular trope being written about, though; I have a fair number of unedited letters backed up, which I'll post up as I get the time to edit them, but I don't have every single trope contained in here._

_In any case, please don't be offended by the content of the letters in here; this is a light-hearted fic where I will make fun of anything and everything, including myself.  
If you don't like yaoi/yuri references, words that quite literally drip with sarcasm and profanities, then I'd suggest you to hit that 'back' button right about now.  
Durarara! is owned by Ryohgo Narita; the various tropes that I'll address here belong to their respective authors.  
...And flames will be used to heat my very cold bed, while reviews/PMs will be used to keep me inspired~_

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**~ Orihara Izaya I [Neko!Izaya] ~**

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_**My Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

When I had first ventured online as a result of confirming certain… distasteful rumours… that I'd found circulating about myself online, I had expected to find that they were fanciful tales that a certain prissy secretary had mentioned to me as some form of petty revenge. Instead, I've found a great deal of material listing hideous assumptions that I, quite frankly, find demeaning, but I'll talk about those when I have some more spare time to address such issues.

For now, though, I'd just like to mention that I am above humans and that, as such, I will never stoop to the level of being half-human and half-beast, as a great many writers seem all too fond of portraying me as. Yes, I know that not all humans love me as they should and that some of you believe that you are greater than the almighty God of Ikebukuro, but does my superiority stagger you to the extent that you need to make me a feline-humanoid hybrid of some sort? Seriously, whatever possessed the lot of you to believe that I traipse around Ikebukuro with a sleek black tail sticking straight out of my behind, not to mention the fluffy pointed ears that are, somehow, so sensitive that they'd make me aroused at the slightest touch?!

I may like my fair share of ootoro and I may be a little high-maintenance for the average human, but I'm certainly _not_ someone's owned pet! Yes, it would be nice to be served front paw and hind paw, but it would certainly be of greater benefit to all of us if you realized that I own distinctly _human_ hands and feet. I don't wear a collar like your average animal, I do not lick myself all over to ensure that I am clean –baths exist for a reason, for those degenerate beings that have never encountered one– and I speak fluent Japanese, not meow. Feathers, balls of yarn, catnip and milk will not make me dance at your feet, begging for your attention or the item you wave so stupidly in your hands, though fish and the odd massage would be lovely.

…But really, whatever made you think that I, the greatness that is Orihara Izaya, would ever descend to the level of having a _master_, of all things? Even if I were to be a cat, I would be a free one that was pampered by all and owned by none, for I would be free to wander the windowsills of mankind and rob all your skim milk with a flick of my tail and a perfectly-pitched meow! What would possess people to make me someone's pet cat-human hybrid… and whatever would possess _any_ of you to think that I would be a hybrid used to pleasure people (or… urgh… a certain disgusting monster)?!

And what makes any of you think that I wouldn't hesitate to slit Shinra's or Namie's throats if they ever so much as _thought_ about experimenting on my perfect body?!

If I were a cat-human hybrid, I would be hissing as my fur stood up on end, while my elongated claws raked bloody furrows into your ungrateful skin for subjecting me to your horrific fantasies. However, as I am quite thankfully human and you are all simply deluded (yet adorably flawed) human beings, I shall content myself with giving you all a warning from your maker, along with a list of psychiatrists that you could discuss your mental issues with. If speaking with a trained professional doesn't work, though, you are more than welcome to make an appointment with me so that I may learn about your curiously twisted minds… though I won't do it free of charge. After all, I have an information brokering business to run, and I'm not exactly made out of dispensable gold, either.

But seriously, my dear fanfiction writers, do reconsider rewriting me as someone that is more fitting of my amazing name when you happen to feel an overwhelming urge to praise my greatness. At the very least, make it so that I'm the most godly cat-human hybrid that has ever existed in the universe, okay~?

…Not that I'm thinking of living a double life as a pampered cat-human hybrid, per se…

_**With Love, Orihara Izaya**_

_P.S. Even though I may not be part-cat, feel free to send me offerings of ootoro. There's never enough of that godly food to go around, and Russia Sushi is going to bankrupt me soon._

_P.P.S. If that retarded protozoan did half the things he does in your so-called 'Neko!Izaya' stories, I would castrate him in a heartbeat… or dismember him for being a bestiality-loving ingrate…_

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**_A/N: _**_I quite like some of the stories I've read where Neko!Izaya is featured as a character, but don't tell Izaya that... or I'll get murdered... *gulps nervously*_


	2. Heiwajima Shizuo I

_**A/N: **I forgot to mention this earlier... but, for those who haven't received their oneshot gifts from my original fic, please know that they're still under construction and will be appearing whenever I manage to complete them. For those that aren't familiar with the original fic, though, the oneshot gifts are presents from me to the first non-anonymous reviewer that breaks the fiftieth review mark (e.g. the user that posts the 50th or 100th review)... and, since I'm going to continue in the spirit of things, I'll be continuing that tradition for this fic, though I'll only be giving out oneshot prizes for every 100th review. So, if you've got any comments or (nicely-expressed) opinions, then feel free to leave a comment in that review box below~_

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**~ Heiwajima Shizuo I [Swearing] ~**

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_**You Fucking Shitty Fanfiction Writers,**_

First of all, fuck you shits.

Second of all, my vocabulary (see, I can actually use large words, you shitty pea-brained assholes) doesn't simply consist of fucking stupid swear words, for the little shits out there that think I'm that fucking retarded. Think about it for just a fucking second, douchebags; if my fucking mouth was as shit as you bitches (or sons of a bitch) thought it fucking was, I wouldn't be able to hold a fucking normal conversation with people.

Oh, wait, that's right; you fucking shitty losers don't actually _think_ I'm capable of normal conversation.

Well, fuck you writers too.

The fucking worst I actually say is 'damn' on a particularly shitty day, and you'd all know that if you fucking shits could shove your empty heads out of your arses for just one goddamn second. Where the fuck did it ever occur to you that my fucking mouth belonged to a sailor's, if that's the shit people say these days? The only fucker that actually pisses me off to a shitty extent is that fucking louse, who's just a right damn pain in the arse anyway, but I actually talk fucking _normally_ to other guys, you fucking little shits.

'Cause, really now, would you lay on the 'fucks' and 'shits' that liberally if you were talking to your fucking next of kin, hah?!

But just so you arses know that I'm completely fucking serious and that you little shits are going straight to fucking hell if you so much as make that online me swear again, I'll give you shits an incentive of sorts. See, you might think I'm a fucking caveman –like a certain douchebag flea does– but I actually know how to fucking program this shitty internet shit that everyone's fucking obsessed with nowadays. So if I find _one_ more fucking expletive where no fucking expletives normally fucking go, then I'm going to clobber you shits over the head and make sure you never get out of hospital.

Ever.

And you're all paying for your own shitty bills; it's your fucking fault for pissing me off anyway.

_**Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. Could someone fucking give this online me some mouthwash and a dictionary? He fucking needs to clean out his shitty mouth and get a fucking brain that exists outside of swear words, yeah…_

_P.P.S. If I fucking find swear words in this shitty letter then I'm going to fucking murder someone. Preferably the editor, who's most likely that shitty louse anyway._

_P.P.P.S. Nobody would fuck your flea-bitten carcass, you shitty excuse of a 'God'. What are you, a three year old with your head firmly lodged up your arse? Get your goddamn inflated head out of there and go fuck some other flea-obsessed shit, you fucking louse._

_P.P.P.P.S But seriously, fuck you all... stupid shitty-ass writers._

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**_A/N: _**_This is a bit of a pet peeve for me, especially when one considers that Shizuo has rarely (if ever) swore in any of the official works... but that's just my personal opinion, for anyone that was interested in knowing it~_


	3. Kida Masaomi I

_**A/N:** Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the way the chapter navigation thingo to the right of this message doesn't let me nicely center things? Well, now you all know...  
Oh, and I apologize in advance if Kida sounds a little too flowery for anyone's tastes. For some strange reason, he seems to be the sort that waffles and uses sugary language to me._

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**~ Kida Masaomi I [Homosexuality] ~**

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_**Heyo Fanfiction Writers~!**_

When my beloved Saki-chan pointed me towards the world of fanfiction, I had thought I'd be treated to a lovely pile of fiction dedicated to my undying love to the skirts that I've chased for all my life. After all, I've been picking up girls (with a certain degree of success, if my documented exploits are anything to go by) ever since I knew the joys of the fairer sex… but, if these stories of yours are anything to go by, it seems like my reputation has been somewhat tarnished.

My dear writers (of which, I suspect, most of you are females with a healthy imagination), it is with a heavy heart that I must say that I don't like men or boys, no matter how cute they might look in a dress or how charming they may appear to you. This gallant heart of mine is dedicated to serving the many delicate flowers that require my ready assistant and, sadly, I have no time to spare for guys. To me, males are but good friends and potential enemies, especially if they ever dare to act like a certain bastard… but females will, forever, be the apples of my eyes~

I mean, if you'd all like to think about my predicament for a moment, it would become strikingly clear that my heart is forever enslaved by its appreciation of women. What else is more beauteous than the luscious curves and soft features that the fairer half of our population possess? Nothing, not even the same features in men, could ever persuade me to give up on my unwavering love for all things feminine. Think about it, everyone; what sort of appeal does a muscly –or, god forbid, flat– body give me when I could always admire my very own body in a mirror?

…But then again, I'm not like that narcissistic Izaya bastard, so I'd never do that.

In any case, it would be wonderful if all the fanfiction writers reading my letter would put aside their fanciful dreams about an alternate homosexual me and simply revel in the cheery, woman-loving person that is me. Why would you deny yourself of my marvellous nature and my attentions towards the female populace when the alternative would be, quite frankly, a poor and pale shadow of what I could become? I can understand if the male writers out there are jealous of my way with words and my pure devotion towards the more delicate sex, but I can assure you that I won't be depriving you all of the wondrous creatures that captivate my heart on a daily basis.

After all, as much as I love women and girls alike, my beautiful Saki-chan is the only one for me~

(Though, of course, I'd never pass up on a chance to receive a call from a pretty lady ;D)

_**The One and Only, Kida Masaomi**_

_P.S. If there's any ladies out there that need consolation or are willing to have a friendly chat with me, feel free to call the number listed at the end of this letter. I'll always be available for your services, unless I'm off on a date with my beloved Saki-chan~_

_P.P.S. I can tell if someone's acting as a 'trap', no matter how attractive they might look as a female… so for the men out there that are charmed by me, I'm going to have to refuse your advances and your calls. I'm sorry, but this hot body is only for the ladies out there._

_P.P.P.S. Who the hell would waste their money on you, Izaya bastard? I hope you choke on your stupid ootoro or get poisoned from it; it'd certainly be a great service to the world if you died…_

_P.P.P.P.S. If you kill that Izaya bastard, Heiwajima-san, feel free to give me a call anytime. I'd love to go desecrate his grave or laugh at his frigid corpse, or even throw a party to celebrate his death…_

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**_A/N: _**_Personally, I don't really mind which way Kida swings... but it seems a bit heartless to think that Saki would be left by her lonesome self if Kida ran into the sunset with someone else. Oh, and for anyone who was wondering about the post-scripts... they're just a little bit of fun for me, where I let the characters interact with one another, so please don't mind their chatter when they argue/chat with one another~_


	4. Kishitani Shinra I

_**A/N: **For anyone who's well-acquainted with anni-fiesta on Livejournal (or knows that she's one of the translators for the DRRR light novels), you may be interested to know that I use her character database spreadsheet to figure out how the characters address each other within the official works... and that I exercise some form of literary license when I made up Shinra's many pet names for Celty in this particular letter~_

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**~ Kishitani Shinra I [Cupid] ~**

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_**Greetings, Fanfiction Writers!**_

Although my darling Celty is the only opinion I shall ever truly allow into my heart, all these negative rumours about my supposedly meddlesome nature is ever so slightly hurtful… though, of course, such comments give my beloved an incentive to soothe my pains away with a blush and a hefty punch to my face when I fly into her arms with tears streaming down my cheeks~ I can already imagine the way she'd huff and splutter through her trembling fingers and her shaking PDA, even if nobody else can see her charms, but that's just dandy with me; after all, nobody else needs to know about her charms and fall in love with her too, now, do they? It's far easier for me to keep my darling to myself and for me to revel in her adorableness, even if it means that I get less of a chance to brag about her beauty and kindness to everyone else.

…Though, now that I think about it, I'm defeating the purpose here a little by sharing all these things in my letter…

So I might as well set aside my love for my dear Celty for a few minutes –though I can't really do that when she's always on my mind– and have a few words with those of you who happen to be reading my letter. I mentioned earlier that there are a fair few of you who think that my lovey-dovey nature around my beautiful shadowy angel somehow translates to imposing said lovey-dovey nature on everyone else. Now, while it may seem like I have a beauteous heart that waxes lyrical about love in the world, I really don't care if Shizuo and Izaya stop razing Ikebukuro to the ground… unless, of course, they raze my cosy love nest to the ground or inconvenience my honey in any way.

With that being said, I also don't care about experimenting on them in the interests of allowing them to release sexual tension– which, frankly, I find a little (if not very) far-fetched. Yes, I know that dissecting Shizuo would be extremely fulfilling and examining the cells within such an intriguing test subject would most probably give me a medical breakthrough that nobody else would ever come _close_ to in my lifetime, but dissecting him for my own medical pleasure and concocting potions like some sort of wizard to arouse magical feelings within his heart are two entirely different cases. Think about it for a moment: why would I bother wasting my time with my friends (which, in itself, is a rather tentative label that I'm still unsure of bestowing on Izaya and Shizuo) when I could devote every waking moment to my dearly beloved Celty?

Do you see how this doesn't make any sort of sense at all?

Which means that, as sad as it may be for some of you, I will never devote my efforts to creating a serum that allows humans to fuse with feline genes so that they may sprout fluffy cat ears and sleek tails from places where tails and ears do not magically pop out of. Unfortunately, there will also be no mythical chemical that allows males to get pregnant, drown in a deluge of endorphins in a way that could be mistaken for love or anything else that you writers have come up with. It certainly intrigues me, on a professional level, to imagine the consequences of such substances and their repercussions if they manifested as potent mixtures that were more than capable of expressing the after-effects that some of you so strenuously believe in… but I'm rambling, aren't I?

And besides, who cares about the rest of the world when my headless beauty is head over heels for me, even if she's too shy to express her undying affection for me~?

_**Sincerely, Kishitani Shinra**_

_P.S. Izaya, you may be my friend, but our friendship doesn't extend to free favours that indulge in your strange fantasies. Especially if that means sacrificing precious time with my honey…_

_P.P.S. Now, now, Shizuo, I'm sure all that pent-up frustration would leave if you just let me examine you and prescribe some medication for you. I'll even chuck in a free dissection if you don't threaten to rip my door off its hinges; isn't that nice of me~?_

_P.P.P.S. Don't even _think_ about hitting on Celty, Masaomi-kun. She's in a fulfilling relationship with me, and she'd _never_ be interested in you anyway._

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**_A/N: _**_...And I'm incredibly guilty of portraying Shinra as a twisted (if not somewhat diabolical) match-maker in some of my previous works, and then causing a weird chain of events to happen that may or may not eventuate in more lovey-doveyness for the world. Whoops... *sweat-drops*_


	5. Shiki Haruya I

_**A/N: **I should probably mention that some of these letters originated from ideas supplied by reviewers of the original fic, and that I'll be crediting each edited letter to their respective reviewer, where applicable. Also, I have no ideas as to how Shiki acts, other than the fact that he's extremely formal (?), so if my characterisation of him is wrong then feel free to correct my portrayal of him as such._

Shiki's BSDM tendencies was an idea given by Alwaystru.

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**~ Shiki Haruya I [Kinks] ~**

* * *

_**To Whomever This May Concern,**_

Due to my position as an executive within the Awakusu-kai, I have very little time to dabble in affairs that do not directly relate to my work within the organization. As such, this fanfiction business that I had only recently learnt about did not reach my ears until I was informed of such things through Ms Akane's queries. Although I have been subjected to certain… unpleasant… situations throughout my life, I had been unprepared for the disturbing nature of Ms Akane's queries, especially in regards to aspects that are strictly private, and which no respectable person should know about. It is for this reason that I have taken some time out of my schedule to address this issue, for I could not allow such things about me to reach the public eye and, thereby, taint the Awakusu-kai's name.

From what Ms Akane has informed me, I have deduced that certain writers are propagating a wide number of unfounded claims regarding my sexual practices and preferences, which are extremely damaging to both my character and my peace of mind. Despite my understanding of these works as being purely fictional and hypothetical in nature, I cannot help but notice that some individuals, like Ms Akane, do not know the difference between fictional and non-fictional works. Even though I recognize that the majority of readers will be able to identify this for themselves and, subsequently, realize the harmlessness behind pure speculation, there are a minority out there who persist in ignoring this fact. As such, I must address this issue and clear my name, so that the truth may be known to those that suppose other, more fanciful, things.

For this reason, I would like to inform writers of my predicament involving their fantasies (which, I have heard, extend to BDSM and paedophilia, among other so-called 'bedroom activities') and suggest that, for the present, such writings should cease. Although I fully understand that these works are fictional, I cannot turn a blind eye to the few that may misuse these stories and attempt to disseminate them throughout the community as slander against the Awakusu-kai. If all writers guilty of publishing and circulating unfounded claims of my sexuality and sexual preferences could take down their stories and issue apologies regarding the potential slander against my character, then that would be mostly appreciated.

Otherwise, I may resort to suing all of you for defamation… and that would be the nicest legality that I will offer all offenders. I am, after all, part of an underground organization that wouldn't stoop to using underhanded methods if they're completely necessary…

_**Shiki, of the Awakusu-kai**_

_P.S. For the record, I believe that Mr Izaya is completely human. However, I cannot refute the claim that his exceeding smugness could be indicative of a feline nature…_

_P.P.S. On behalf of the Awakusu-kai, I would also like to inform everyone of our complete and utter disconnection from Mr Izaya, should he prove to be non-human in any way, shape or form. I would also like to inform Heiwajima Shizuo that assassinating one of our own (for the time being, in any case) would be highly ill-advised, especially if he wishes to live as peacefully as he claims._

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**_A/N: _**_I don't actually know what to think of Shiki, really, so I don't really know if I'm guilty of imagining him as a BDSM-sorta guy..._


	6. Kadota Kyohei I

_**A/N: **Please note that the letters won't be in the order that they appeared in the original fic; in fact, I'll probably be shuffling around a fair few of the letters and sticking ones in whenever I get inspiration, just to ensure that I'm not (heavily) biasing characters. It'll be probably become obvious where my bias lies soon, though. I seem to have a fair few letters for some individuals, and none for some others..._

Kadota's assumed sexual orientation was an idea suggested by Alwaystru.

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**~ Kadota Kyohei I [Homosexuality] ~**

* * *

_**Fanfiction Writers,**_

I'd assume that most of you believe that I'm fine with yaoi, especially when Karisawa squeals about it on such a regular basis (and, as it would seem, whenever Izaya and Shizuo are fighting each other). I'd also assume that, since your imaginations are your own and your fantasies are also your own, you're entitled to write about fanciful situations that, at times, involve certain… situations… with myself and some other person. Now, I'm not saying that there's a problem with your writing or your thoughts, and I'm not saying that I'll act as violently as certain people when it comes to clearing up my situation, but I've certainly got a few words to say on the topic of all this.

Karisawa's already got enough yaoi material on Izaya and Shizuo to scar both Yumasaki and I with her (unfortunately explicit) rants… but it's infinitely better when she's not raving about my and Chikage's (or anyone else's) supposedly homosexual relationship. Yes, I know it's probably quite cruel of me to shepherd Karisawa towards graphic yaoi material on other couples so that she'll leave me alone, but I really don't want her going off about how cute I'd look with a fair few male characters. Her mind is her mind and I respect that, but I _really_ don't want to know how one would write sound effects for shoving one's dick up someone's arse or other such information.

I mean, come on; I've got other things to deal with outside of my fictional sexual life!

I really don't mean to put anyone down here, but I really _don't_ want a mental image of Shizuo's tongue down my throat or Chikage's naked body intertwined with mine. Perhaps, to some people out there, I'm extremely close to my friends and I secretly wish for them to stick their 'thick meat-rod' –yes, I've seen this, and yes, I wish there was a way to bleach my brain without killing myself– up my arse or vice versa. Perhaps your interest in my supposed life with certain friends of mine is so strong that you feel compelled to write out 'what-if' scenarios– and I see nothing wrong with that. What upsets me, though, is that such material is publically spread… and that some people attempt to claim that my life is, in fact, perfectly documented in their stories.

To be fairly honest with you all, I've already resigned myself to knowing that people will believe what they want to believe, no matter how much I protest on the matter; being around Karisawa has taught me a fair bit on that subject. However, that doesn't mean that I'll take your stories lying down (or sitting up, or squashed against a wall, or in any other compromising position you people like to write me in) because, if possible, I'd like to keep my mind and ears intact. Feel free to write your stories, because I know I won't be able to stop you… but for the love of all things good, could you please keep it away from people who know me?

Because I'd like to live my life without severe mental trauma, thank you very much.

Though, now that I think about it, I've probably more traumatized than the average person…

_**Regards, Kadota Kyohei**_

_P.S. I'm concerned by all these threatening messages; doesn't anyone realize that provoking each other and the writers will eventually lead to problems? For example, I'm quite sure Izaya's thoughts on being part-cat could be interpreted as positive… and Kida's promiscuous nature is going to be his downfall someday._

_P.P.S. I'm fairly sure that 'P.S' stands for 'Post Script', not 'Personal Squabbling'…_

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**_A/N: _**_Personally, I really don't ship him with anyone... I kinda just can't see him being romantic, honestly speaking *shrugs*_


	7. Shizuo & Izaya I

_**A/N: **Oh, look, I think my bias is showing now- :whacked: Just so you know, though, there's probably going to be a number of couples letters (or threesomes, if I ever get that far and if I'm bothered writing a fair bit more than I usually do) and the number of letters I write are most probably going to be proportionate to the amount of fics I've read for each character. Which means that, yes, the most popular character in DRRR fanfics will most probably get the most amount of letters dedicated to them._

_Also, would people be opposed to me chucking interludes into the letters? Because I was thinking of having a few freeform sessions where I chucked all the characters into a chapter and let them argue with each other about the content of the letters after a certain requirement is filled (like, say, when the fic gets 1000 views or something) and, if nobody minded me tossing those interludes into here, then I might not bother with making a separate fic that would be linked to this one._

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**~ Heiwajima Shizuo &amp; Orihara Izaya I [Enemy Status] ~**

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_**Oi, Fanfiction Writers,**_

I thought that my sexual orientation was blindingly clear to everyone around here; in fact, I think I found a number of pages that listed everything from my birthday to what brand of toothpaste I used when I was thirteen years old. You'd think that it'd be obvious, then, that I have a specific preference when it comes to dating people, because I'm quite sure those sites mentioned all this stuff… but no, apparently you're all thick or in need of glasses. Or you're all so deep in denial that you're going to drown if a boat of righteousness doesn't come and fish you out.

Look, I didn't want to be mean and say that everyone here are either stalkers, creepy reporters or some sort of obsessive fan, but you people know a hell of a lot more about me than half the people who actually _know_ me in person. Now, I've heard that there's some stupid psychology thing that focuses on how guys taunt girls and the girls chase after the guy, but what makes you think that Izaya and I share something like that, hah? Think about it for a moment– there's me, a guy who likes to live a normal life without smarmy fleas getting in my face, and then there's Izaya, a guy who (quite wrongly) believes that the sun shines out of his arse.

I don't know what you people make of your enemies, but I'm sure that you don't want to screw them senseless in your bed, or against a dirty brick wall, or on top of a toppled vending machine.

…And now I feel like vomiting. Thanks, everyone.

But seriously, has it ever crossed your mind that the flea and I are _enemies_? Again, I don't know about you guys, but I certainly don't throw trash cans at my brother or threaten to crack Tom-senpai's spine, no matter how much I like them. I also don't call the flea every day to see if he's alright or go out of my way to check up on him, because I like living, thank you very much, and he's probably more deadly than the thugs and trucks he sends after me.

So grow a brain, look at the signs, and keep that flea's disgusting hands away from me.

_**Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. Oi, kid, I don't like killing people. Go hire a hitman if you want Izaya dead so badly._

_P.P.S. If you approach me with a syringe, Shinra, I'm going to shove it up your arse. I'm sure Celty will understand why when you go crying to her later…_

_P.P.P.S. For the last time, I'm __**not**__ going to kill Izaya. Can't you all see that he'll kill himself before I can even lift up a pinkie?_

_P.P.P.P.S. Kadota, we're writing letters to fanfiction writers through the fingers of another fanfiction writer. If that doesn't explain things for you, then I don't know what else will._

_P.P.P.P.P.S. Brace yourselves, writers; the flea's not pleased. Then again, he's never really pleased unless he's being his little twisted self, so I don't really know what to say to you all anyway._

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_**My Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

As much as it pains me to agree with Shizu-chan, I can't help the bile that rises to my throat whenever I think about an almighty god like me with a cretin like him. As an informant that prides myself on being at the very top of my game, I also loathe to admit that the little beastling has a point when he mentions Wikipedia and those accursed sites that dare to proclaim my information to the world… but, unfortunately, he has a point when he mentions such things. Even though I had wished that you would not drive me to such lengths, I must also, quite reluctantly, point out that some skilled informant has correctly identified my sexual orientation and that, no matter what you think 'aromantic' means, it certainly doesn't mean 'Shizu-chan-loving'.

Let me put things nicely and simply for everyone, so that you may all be able to understand your god's woes, act accordingly to please him and, thereby, save yourselves from his potential wrath. For those of you who have someone that you love, try and picture yourself doing activities with them. Now, is the first image that comes to mind something along the lines of baiting an idiot and cackling your head off as you race around your city with all manners of dangerous objects being flung at your rapidly-moving form? Or is it something along the lines of spending every waking moment plotting their demise through the use of your adorable yet clearly non-intellectual pawns?

If the answer to the above questions is no, then you're quite right in assuming that I do not think of Shizu-chan in a… urgh… _romantic_ light. If the answer is yes, then you're either delusional, on your deathbed or Karisawa-san (in which case you're both).

Of course, there will be some of you that wish to wallow in denial, like the protozoan quite rightly points out above, and would like to believe that we are supposedly an item. I could rant and rail about the sheer lunacy of it –for example, why would a god like me stoop to being tied to a moron like Shizu-chan?– but, for both your sake and mine, I'll kindly skip over the furious tirade and simply state this.

Shizu-chan will never find someone unfortunate enough to be his other half, and I will never consent to giving up my power to anyone else. As much as it pains me to break your poor little hearts, the only being that will ever have supremacy over my heart is me, and the only person who will feel the brute's monstrous power in the bedroom is the brute himself. He can have his hand for entertainment, and I will have passing relationships with the humans who deign to worship my body.

So, in short, Shizu-chan will be forever alone and I will be forever supreme.

Oh, and I'm the only one allowed to make his worthless life miserable~

_**With Love, Orihara Izaya**_

_P.S. Shizu-chan, your carcass probably has all manners of unspeakable rubbish lingering in its depths, and you dare to believe that __**my**__ body would be worse than yours? Oh, please, we all know that monsters don't know what hygiene is, even if it paraded naked before your eyes…_

_P.P.S. Care to say those things to my face, Kida-kun? Hmm, I thought not… silly human._

_P.P.P.S. I wouldn't want you coming near me anyway, Shinra; I like myself as I am, thank you very much. Go stick your scalpels into Shizu-chan; I'm sure the monster would enjoy it~_

_P.P.P.P.S. Et tu, Shiki? And here I was, thinking that my years of loyal service to the Awakusu-kai counted for something…_

_P.P.P.P.P.S. Dotachin, your brain must've been stolen by Karisawa-san when she polluted it with all her manga and anime references. Whatever makes you think that I'd want to be a glorious cat-human hybrid with the world at my paws?_

_P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Oh, and Shizu-chan; you should know that I always have the last word in anything. Excuse me while I put a restraining order against you and send a gang of hired assassins after your 'smarmy arse', you disgusting protozoan…_

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**_A/N: _**_Guilty as charged :raises hand shamelessly: Their obvious hatred is actually one of the reasons why I ship these two together so much, to be honest..._

_Oh, and if I don't post for a while, it's because I've caught a cold and I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself while I sneeze, cough and snivel in bed._


	8. Celty Sturluson I

_**A/N: **...Wow, it's been a while since I've posted anything; I _would_ try to blame it on work and assignments, but that's not really a valid excuse. Anyhow, I hope this little bit on Celty makes up for things, even if it feels a little too dry to be her voice. I've also decided that I'll add the interludes here, as per a lovely reviewer's requests, so I'll write one up as soon as we hit 1000 views for this fic. But enough of me waffling; you'll all want to read the letter anyway, so I'll get on with it._

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**~ Celty Sturluson [Animal Rights] ~**

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_**Fanfiction Writers,**_

Shinra's been a lot less chirpy as of late (which is odd, especially when he's normally quite persistent in expressing his love and bouncing back from whatever hits I give him) and I heard it was because of your writing. It seems like there's a thing called 'fanfiction' floating around, which I've heard has a lot of strange things in there, and he thinks that I don't love him anymore. Although I may not be the most expressive person in the world –my lack of a face might be a big reason behind that– Shinra and I have been in love and have made it quite clear to everyone ever since we confessed our feelings to each other… but that's not what I wanted to talk about today.

Apparently, there are stories out there that do more than deny my love for Shinra; they also believe that I love my friend, Shizuo, and that I would go behind Shinra's back to do _things_ with him. That, in itself, is a pretty large problem that I won't prod until my next letter, but the location of our… uh, coupling, is a little startling. You do realize that Shooter is not an actual motorcycle, right?

Because, from what I've seen, some of you think it's kinky to have motorcycle… and I'm going to stop right there before I rush off to the laundry again.

Look, I don't know what everyone thinks and I don't suppose to (because, unlike a certain person, I don't profess to be god), but I can assure you that most normal people don't… do _things_… on a horse. Yes, Shooter is a bit unconventional in that he doesn't have a head and he's disguised as a motorcycle, but being… intimate… on a headless horse is just as wrong as doing it on a normal horse. I mean, what would you think if you found two cockroaches doing what I and other people do on poor Shooter?

…You'd probably be traumatised by the fact they're cockroaches, yes, but that's beside the point.

So what I'm trying to say is, well, leave Shooter alone. You wouldn't appreciate people… doing _it_… on you, so it wouldn't be fair to subject my horse to it. And please leave the kinky details out of my non-existent s-sex life out of Shinra; I might be a lot of abnormal things, but I'm definitely not someone that does… things that I'll mention in another letter.

Because, really, this one's embarrassing enough as it is.

_**Celty Sturluson**_

_P.S. It's a good thing that Shooter can't read fanfiction, or he'd never let anyone near him again._

_P.P.S. I can't believe everyone's arguing about fictional stories with each other; doesn't anyone know that this is all made-up? O-Or do you all know something that I don't…?_

_P.P.P.S. Shinra, I thought I told you to stop calling me embarrassing nicknames– and no, nobody else will do it, so you can't either. And nobody will see me in the same light you do; how many times do I have to tell you that?_

_P.P.P.P.S. Shizuo, Shinra's not stupid enough to do things to you when I'm watching him. If he ever tries something on you, though, please don't injure him too much; I actually like him whole and intact._

_P.P.P.P.P.S. Sometimes, I wonder if everyone else is a monster or I'm supposed to be the only monster here. I mean, look at all of you; could you all _please_ try and act civil to one another?_

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**_A/N: _**_I'm personally disturbed by this particular trope, but I've seen a number of stories (specifically Celty/Shizuo ones) that play on this particular Shooter kink. We're pretty close to 1k views so I might just work on another letter and then write an interlude up- and hopefully, this time, I'll upload them a lot faster than I uploaded this one. If anyone's got ideas for the interlude, though, please feel free to PM me or leave a review; I have ideas on everyone's reactions, but input would always be appreciated~_

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_Snowbird: I would've replied to you via PM but, since you're a guest, I'll reply to you here, if you don't mind. I'm glad you like their characterisations- and I have to agree, if Izaya and Shizuo read half the tropes I'm planning to write for them, there'd be a lot more cussing and rampaging than there would be writing, especially on Shizuo's part. It's actually why his bits are littered with cut-off sentences, like he wanted to crush the pen in his hand but didn't in the end. It's nice to know that my updates make your day, and I hope they continue to (: And thank you for the well wishes, along with the review you left; although I didn't get well until a week after I posted up the previous letter, I recall smiling as I thought about how someone cared enough to wish me well through their review._


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